Dreams of Married Life

I really have been thinking about what it is going to be like being married. To live with someone, share everything with (well except clothing) and to just have the ability to say “Yeah I am married”. Its got to be something so sureal at first that after a few years maybe, it has to turn into something so natural that its just right.

From my personal view, it must be great to live with your best friend who is also your husband. To just have a guy around the house and hardly anyone else. I know the bills part of life is going to be a pain in the buttocks but its something to get used to. Having only know a little what it is like to with someone who isn’t someone you grew up with, it just has to be a shock to the system. However, it must be really great to just have someone you can trust so much be around all the time so you can just talk to them when ever. This is something I am having trouble with at the moment as there really isn’t any one around here that is so approachable.

In the current circumstances, its hard to even believe that I have been in a relationship for almost two years and its still as strong as ever. I’ve never known someone who sticks by me no matter what I say and listen to me when no one else does. It is such a nice change to know that there is someone who is willing to do it to and not only get worried when I am really really down because I don’t talk or seem as cheerful as I usually do. But my boyfriend just knows when something is getting down before I get that bad. It may not seem like much to some people but to me, it means everything.

Really, I am just looking forward to getting married, to settle down with my soul mate. Yes it might seem like a gamble because I don’t see him as often as most couples do, but that doesn’t mean my feelings waver. They are more persistant that ever and its not going to change. I am really happy where I am in life and I am ready to settle down, to be the adult I am becoming and to even look forward to being a mother.

Trapped in Hell!!

Ok so I don’t know how many people know what my job is, so if you didn’t know I am a Bar and Restaurant Casual at a Sailing Club on the Isle of Wight. But really my job sucks!!!!!! I would gladly go back to Uni for free and spend another three years there. Honestly, anything will be better than remaining in a job where my work hardly goes unnoticed. Only some of the customers who I serve thank me for looking after them and give like £9 in tips, which sadly gets shared between the kitchen staff and other waiting staff, So for all my hard work I don’t even get much at all. Plus the fact that when I do work I get shouted at by the head chef for not doing work when I am trying to take a breather.

Recently, I’ve been working on shifts where there is only two waiting staff on and I am the one running around trying to do almost everything and no one else notices. It just takes the buscit when I tried so hard to do a good job and look after customers that it goes unnoticed and I end up coming home really stressed because I don’t get rewarded. Its just a good thing that I only asked for a few shifts a week so I can study Web Design (which I haven’t really doing… well unless you count working photoshop??). But I quit once and thenI got a call like the next day asking for me to go back and I stupidly did. I am such a idiot for doing that!!!

The other thing that gets me, is that most of them are really nosey too. They are always asking how my relationship is going and two of them even keep asking me if I have left him yet? Just because its a long distance relationship, it doesn’t mean its already going to clearly fail. We will have been dating for two years in November. I know I feel about him because it took me a year for my feelings to show and I am not going to let it slip away from me that easily. I even don’t talk about my personal life that much with them because they don’t understand and its a good think I don’t too. My experience in life has taught me to trust wisely and never trust too easily!

I’m on the Outside

Staind – Outside

A great song to be played when I feel like I’m the outsider on things. Like I try to sort out future plans, settle down on a place to live with a job. I was speaking to my best friend yesturday and we both agreed to save up a lot of money, and then put a deposit on a house some when next year and get a mortgage. To finally get a place away from my family, which some times annoy me. And be able to support myself on my own for a while. I hate to depend on others. To me, being 22 and living at my parents is close to the worst thing I can. I’ve been brought up hereand I should have to stay here as an adult. However, I know my fiance will something to say about it.

Apparently decisions get made and changed for the third time this year. I just can’t take all of this crap. He knows what I will do if I move there, which is to sell everything I have to get more money to buy things over there. There is no point trying to bring a PC, 22″ monitor, Wii, TV, DVD’s, CD’s and games to the US in my opinion. Why bring things with you that only you appreciate because you brought them and have constant memories of a life you left behind to move to America. A life that you established on your own to create a new life in a country you don’t want to live in because of major insecurities.

I’ve had so many thoughts come into my head and I’ve come close to making them final. But maybe it is asking too much for my fiance to move to England where its safer to live and less blood shed than in America. I’ve thought about post-poning the wedding or even calling it off. Its too early to decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives together forever, when my fiance keeps deciding he won’t get into the UK. He hasn’t even tried to visit me again here. Its all down to me moving over there. To visit him over there and to leave everything I have behind because its only going to get nicked or something.

I am just getting a little fed up with being the one who has to do most things in a relationship. My past relationship consisted of me moving backwards and forwards across the south of England to see my boyfriend most of the time. For being the one with the money just because I was on a student loan and had parents who were willing to support me, which my boyfriend at the time abused their kindness. Even when I was around his, he didn’t treat me well so I was fool for staying with him for a year.

Now I can’t help but wonder if I in the same kind of relationship again. Where I am the one doing most of the sacrificing while my partner doesn’t even try to do just as much. I am the weakest person some will ever know when it comes to relationships. But its not like most people actually care. I am just the person people push around just because they can because of my kind and caring personality.

Soon it will time to properly think if things are going to change or I just give in to moving to one place I don’t want to live or just stay in my safe zone because its all I know.

Things just turn right around

Just when I thought things were going well. It just all turns on me. I can’t take much more of this being pushed around. I was getting all worked up about being able to stay here, then my partner says if he comes here, he won’t get in. I’ve been trying so hard to make sure things work. I’ve been working loads of shifts and try my best to plan a head. And now its all been a waste of time, its all been for nothing. I’ve gotten back to studying to be a web designer again. I feel like I’ve wasted my parents money. I’ve even planned how things are going to go in my head. And its all be erased as if it was nothing.

Things are totally falling apart and I can’t stop it because I’m too torn up inside. I’ve said in the past, if I move to America, then I will sell all my stuff. I mean EVERYTHING. But when he said he is going to move here, I started to buy things that would better in the long run. Buying a better monitor for my PC and even buying a Wii. I’ve been saving to go towards buying a house but that idea is useless. In some ways, I feel betrayed and I am not strong enough to cope with anything.

I recently told him I have applied for a full time bar staff job. Maybe that is what kicked it off. So he doesn’t have to get money to move here. Its all on my weak head again. The stress I can’t handle along with work related stress. I thought I could take what ever life throws at me, but I can’t. In the end I am the ant… being crushed on because I am too small.

I really take it any more. I’ve had enough, I would just prefer to be left alone so I wollow in self-pitty.

Regrets

Now I am not I am not in any place to sit here and tpye

“I do have regrets on decisions I made, because looking back they just didn’t work out”

Because really, I can’t change them. I cannot go back into my hazy past and change anything. What happened, happened. Thats life and there is nothing I can do about it. There maybe things in my life that I want to change, but that is just being human. I am sure that many people have wanted to change their past and create a new one. However, the fact is, if we did, who would we really become? We all have decisions to make and to other people, it may not be the right choice, but does that really show who we really are or would it only show how other people inflict theirself on you?

Dictating another person’s actions is really controlling others to be like you. If that happens then does the world really need another copy? Should there really be more replicars in the world? The world can’t be full of similar people, if it was, then how could other people survive if there no one different and experience different things. We all need to have our individuality not be a copy of another person.

If your reading this, your probably thinking “oh well, just what the world needs.. a crazy person” or what have you. But really think about it. Really look into human society and see how although we are all different, the world seems to work better than to just clones of someone. I’ve been thinking about it recently and to be completely honest, I would hate to see someone who is a replicar of me. I would end up killing it because I can’t stand seeing someone go throught the exact same thing as me, and live my life as their own life. I would hate to have someone go through my life and repeat my mistakes. I know I can’t really stop someone from doing so but I can at least try to prevent it happening the same way right?

I am greatful I went through all the crap I did go through. As if I didn’t go through it, then I wouldn’t be who I am today. I’ve talked to my boyfriend about this and he says the same thing. Life gives us obstacles to overcome. If we didn’t go through what we went through then we wouldn’t be as strong as we are today. We all have to get through some thing tough in ourlives. But its life, deal with it. We get a chance to experience life so do what you want to do, react how you want to react and so say things you want to say. You can’t go back and change anything, so don’t bother trying to do so. It will only make matters worse, and ruin the life you have as it will make more regrets. Life is precious no matter who you are, so do what you want, not what someone else wants you to do.

Should I just go?

When ever I get really down and start to worry about the future, I always seem to give people the cold shoulder. Maybe I am better off living alone and just aim to making my friends happy. They are what matters. But when its my boyfriend whom I push away, I start to feel really sick deep down and I just want to die. If I hurt the ones closest to me the most, then what is the point of ever having someone that close to me. I really tried to just pass it off as nothing. But I failed.

Talking about the future and moving away to a place where I don’t have any friends is really hard. Not only that but I am leaving behind my best friend. She has been there for me since the beginning of high school and there is no way I can just leave her after everything she has done for me. I would feel too guilty to do such a thing.

I know things between my boyfriend and I have been rocky because of me being the one who has to move. Even telling him I don’t want to move hasn’t worked. He makes me feel guilty when he then says he misses him. Maybe he does know my weakness all to well (making others happy is all I want to do weakness), and use it to his advantage. Or its most likely that I am really never going to be girlfriend material and I deserve to feel pain, sorrow, grief, loneliness so I can be an example of what people shouldn’t become.

Even when my boyfriend tries to get me to talk, I shut down and just try to get him to forget about it. He says he loves me, but what if deep down he can’t take it any more. Then I suppose I really have become the person who I always thought I would be. A Lonely depressive person who can’t keep hold of anything good because her depression and paranoia get in the way.

I think it would be best that I leave everyone alone for a few weeks or something, till they have forgotten about me and have moved on. I am sure no one wants a depressive friend or girlfriend.

Dishearting thoughts

I don’t know why but at night, it seems to be the time where I get most depressed. I start to feel lonely more and dwell on what could be happening rather than just remembering that I am alone. With only my family and one best friend near by. There is no boyfriend near by, just 7 hours away. But it really is taking its toll.

I love my boyfriend so very much, its just telling him I don’t want to move my home town is just going to be hard to get used to. So I think I am stalling so I can enjoy where I live more and appreciate it for the beauty that is England, my home. I know its only 7 hours away, but its still far enough to really miss home and to never really get back home easily because its NY. How far away from home can you get? I really want to openly say to him that I don’t want to move. But it puts too much pressure on him to move here instead and he is barely making money as it is. To earn enough money to buy a ticket to England.

I am sure he is probably earning more money than me at the moment. With me not having any shifts at work for a month. Its just a useless job and I don’t really want to leave it yet in case I do get work and I can then earn some money as I study for my web design position.  But I know I have to do what I have to do.

I suppose its just me being strange and I should really focus on my list first and sort them out one by one.

Quitting is all I do

well I have been realizing that my life has always had difficulties. I suppose I didn’t really give it much thought as I’ve had many other things to think about. maybe that is just my thing.

“Someone who always does something else when things get though”

I always know when I am about to fail so I don’t feel like there is a point to carrying on with what I was doing. It might sound like a really stupid thing to do, but this is me, I don’t do things right sometimes. Its just things this week, have not really been the best they could be. I’ve been having a lot on my mind and never really sorted them out right.

Anyway, most of the things that have been on my mind, are yet again about self reflection. I’ve been talking to Eddie about it and I admit, its still bugging me a little. I suppose its like a fault with myself that I hate but don’t really know if I can change it or even try to change it. Its like no matter what I to do to change it, it still doesn’t work. I always hit a dead end and that is where I stay.

I’ve always wondered around aimlessly in hope that something comes along and helps change things. Finally when Eddie came into my life it changed. But it only changed most of the things. The things that didn’t change are always there to haunt me. I can’t get rid of them no matter how hard I try. I don’t know what really to do with myself when those small things take over and leave me even more stranded then I was before.

Yeah I can deal with some things but there is only so much I can take because I complete crack, and its happened before so there is nothing stopping it from happening again. I’ve always seemed to fall apart on occasion and the more it happens, the more I can’t prevent it from happening because I’ve run out of options. Things just always have a way of getting to me and making me feel like shit all the time.

Does it really matter?

Well I’ve been wondering if it is even worth me moving out my parents house and find a 9-5 job. I mean if its going to be cancelled for when I move, is there really a point. I really love my independence and I don’t like to burden anyone but if I do try this, will it be worth it all as it will only be chucked away?

I know that I need to get out of this house. But I just wonder if anything I plan to do is really worth it. I really would like to set up my dance classes and help teach contemporary and I might get more teaching opportunities too in Autumn. But if I am moving, it won’t make a difference. My aim of a dance class is to improve stamina and to widen ones dance vocabulary. I can’t do all that in one session. I want it to last for as long as possible and work in dancing. But when I move, its a different story.

see when I do move, I will letting dancing go, as it is going to bring in enough money in the way I want. America already has established contemporary companies so there won’t be anything different that I can bring. So I am going to forget about doing dance and just focus on getting a job that will help bring in money instead. As I doubt that any form of dancing will get enough money into the bank.

Crapy Crap crap

[color=#80a0ff]Well If you couldn’t tell, I’ve not really been the Happy Cheerful Sazzy since last week. Too much crap is coming at me in one go. So my week has been a very depressing one to say the least I think. But not self-harming occurred if people start to wonder.

Well I am finally moving out of my parents house on 30th March, or just before then maybe. To go live on a haunted lane, how cool does that sound. But really it doesn’t seem haunted at all, it just scares my best friend a little I suppose. But if it means more independence then its better and not having anyone moan at me, but let me do what I want.

Then there is the fact of me being scared to move to America. I dunno why but I get really upset about it when I think about it. Its going to be really tough and I know I am not that strong so I feel like I might crack. Hopefully I won’t but there is a possibility. I dunno, its just a bit thing to do and I am scared shitless about it. [/color]