HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!

Well don’t know how many people know me but anyway…

Halloween is my second favourite time of the year. Not because of trick or treating because really… thats just a publicity stunt to get parents to buy sweets for kids who shouldn’t really be out knocking on strangers doors. I prefer the halloween where its just to celebrate All Hallows Eve but without bringing to dead to the land of the living. I don’t really believe in witchcraft enough to want to actually try it.

But my main reason is because its the only time of the year I don’t have to get cheap remarks for wearing black (see there is always a hidden agenda). Also it means I can really watch Nightmare Before Christmas to my hearts contempt! I really do love the movie and I watch it every year as well as listen to the soundtrack if I don’t get the chance to watch the movie, which is probably what I will be doing this year as I am working in the evening (talk about spoiling my fun!!!).

How can you not like the movie anyway?? ohhh unless your a chav where you don’t really have a clue what the world is about because you don’t understand anything properly. I know its more of a gothic movie as its really about the dead taking over Christmas but its a funny musical.

So if your not doing anything special for halloween, then watch Nightmare before Christmas!!!!!

Well the wedding has begun its planning stage

Well after finally getting round to talking about our wedding, it feels more kind of set in stone almost. Except the part where my fiance wants to offically ask for my Dad’s approval and properally propose. Otherwise, we are most of the way there. Its strange to think i would be here planning. I know when most girls are young, they plan their own wedding, which is something I never did because I always thought I would be alone and I loved being a child too much to think about adult stuff.

So after talking with my fiance, its put my mind into excitement mode. I know who my maid of honour is, and I have an idea of my bridesmaids. So that part was delt with a while ago, its just down to asking them really.

[23:34:04] Sazzy: ok right I was thinking.. for our wedding, would you mind if I served people behind the bar
[23:35:28] SolKing2: if you want
[23:36:05] Sazzy: well what you to do at our wedding??
[23:36:20] Sazzy: I know you want use to light saber duel down the aisle
[23:36:39] SolKing2: well I was kidding about that
[23:36:55] Sazzy: awwwww ok well what then?
[23:37:02] Sazzy: I don’t want a wedding all about me…
[23:37:59] SolKing2: we could use the lightsabers during the dancing
[23:38:20] Sazzy: ok
[23:38:31] Sazzy: what else?
[23:38:52] Sazzy: what colours should we use?
[23:38:53] SolKing2: idk
[23:39:13] SolKing2: I’m not good at these things
[23:39:15] Sazzy: you want to have dark grey suites
[23:39:23] Sazzy: with red?
[23:39:57] SolKing2: how about black and red
[23:40:23] SolKing2: the suit is black and shirt is black but the tie is red
[23:40:45] Sazzy: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
[23:41:37] Sazzy: what do you think the bridesmaids should wear?
[23:41:54] Sazzy: crimson red is used a lot
[23:42:00] Sazzy: so just bright red?
[23:42:20] Sazzy: with white flowers.. then i have a white dress with red flowers
[23:42:32] SolKing2: thats kool
[23:43:13] Sazzy: ok
[23:45:05] Sazzy: do we have a paige boy and girl?
[23:45:58] Sazzy: or flower girl.. what ever you call them
[23:46:41] SolKing2: well they aren’t that necessary
[23:46:55] SolKing2: the bestman holds the rings also
[23:46:59] Sazzy: yeah I just wondered….
[23:47:15] Sazzy: at my aunties wedding.. Andy and I were paige girl and boy
[23:47:28] SolKing2: aww
[23:47:29] Sazzy: we sang ” Make me a channel of your peace” during the servise
[23:47:33] SolKing2: little weewah
[23:47:39] Sazzy: service*
[23:48:04] Sazzy: I dunno if you know that hymn
[23:48:11] SolKing2: idk
[23:48:31] SolKing2: well if we can’t get anyone for those positions then don’t worry
[23:48:54] Sazzy: yeah. I do have cousins with children.. but I dunno
[23:49:05] SolKing2: that can wait
[23:49:08] Sazzy: ok
[23:49:24] Sazzy: shall we use red and white to decorate the church?
[23:49:32] SolKing2: sure
[23:49:39] SolKing2: do you have a church picked out?
[23:49:47] Sazzy: with a black rose in the middle..
[23:49:58] SolKing2: black rose means death
[23:50:10] Sazzy: ooooooo cool
[23:50:15] Sazzy: death to the bride
[23:50:18] Sazzy: but anyway..
[23:50:33] SolKing2: aww
[23:50:49] Sazzy: my church is undergoing some reconstruction and should be done by september.. but I dunno about that.
[23:51:35] SolKing2: ok
[23:52:02] Sazzy: or there is another church that is near a town center but I will show you when you get here and you can pick
[23:53:42] SolKing2: ok baby
[23:56:55] Sazzy: ohh one thing… do we want two people give little sermons?
[23:58:01] SolKing2: how about just one so we don’t fall asleep
[23:58:22] Sazzy: well I was going to limit them to 8 minutes each
[23:58:23] Sazzy:
[23:58:37] Sazzy: but one is ok… save the rest till the speaches right
[23:58:46] SolKing2: well if we have people from my family they throw chairs if you preach to them
[23:59:06] Sazzy: ohhh ok
[23:59:34] SolKing2: yea half my family are christians and the other half fight the christians
[23:59:51] SolKing2: like Manny
[23:59:59] Sazzy: so who will say the sermon?
[00:00:09] Sazzy: or speaj
[00:00:13] Sazzy: speak*
[00:00:32] SolKing2: I don’t know but my parents might not go depending on what happens
[00:01:18] Sazzy: will they accept it if i pay for a ticket?
[00:02:12] SolKing2: maybe
[00:02:16] Sazzy: or pay towards them coming
[00:02:27] Sazzy: I can’t have your parents missing your wedding
[00:02:51] SolKing2: yea
[00:05:04] Sazzy: ok
[00:05:34] Sazzy: ok do you want a traditional service?
[00:07:26] SolKing2: I guess
[00:08:33] Sazzy: or we can sort out our own order of service..
[00:09:54] SolKing2: whichever i dot mindn’
[00:10:06] Sazzy: I will stop asking questions now
[00:10:17] SolKing2: keep going
[00:10:26] Sazzy: ok…
[00:10:47] Sazzy: would you be ok with having a jazz band play at the reception?
[00:10:57] Sazzy: Simon is in a Jazz band.
[00:11:22] SolKing2: only if they don’t sound lame
[00:11:40] Sazzy: well you will hear them rehearse as they rehearse here at home
[00:12:35] Sazzy: I was just thinking about costs of getting a band..
[00:14:19] SolKing2: yea that can be expensive
[00:15:01] Sazzy: what shall be played for our first dance?
[00:15:08] Sazzy: if you want to have a first dance
[00:17:09] SolKing2: hmmmm
[00:18:45] Sazzy: its hard right? or is it just me
[00:19:34] SolKing2: its hard
[00:19:54] Sazzy: I don’t want a corny song
[00:22:02] SolKing2: me neither
[00:23:03] Sazzy: we can decide that when you get here I suppose.
[00:23:17] Sazzy: so we can hear a few together etc
[00:24:18] SolKing2: yea
[00:24:44] Sazzy: we can decide invites later too.
[00:24:52] Sazzy: once we get the church sorted..
[00:25:19] Sazzy: and the place for the reception
[00:26:19] SolKing2: yea we have to know how many people can we fit in there
[00:27:28] Sazzy: yeah but really we have to give your family enough notice so they can get time off work and book flights etc.
[00:30:17] SolKing2: yea I know thats why I’ll tell everyone the next time I see them
[00:30:28] Sazzy: ok
[00:30:40] Sazzy: so are we aiming for a June wedding?
[00:31:02] SolKing2: yea that gives us 6 months to save and get ready
[00:31:10] Sazzy: ok cool

Really, we still have the big things to sort out, but its better to sort them out together properly then breifly now.

Hard times

Recently, things have been a little hectic with so much going on recently. Maybe I am trying to juggle too much in one go but I really don’t know how else to do it. I’ve had work pick up again and I’ve been called in for shifts most of the week, but there is only so much running around being a servant for people who are more experienced. I am a dancer/Choreographer not a waitress. My whole life has been about dancing and to really perform ballet and contemporary. Yet I haven’t done that in almost a year and I don’t know where else to go to make sure I don’t loose my youthful enthusiasm of dancing. I would really love to do hold certain classes to get people to come. Its just getting the time and travel arrangements sorted.

So while I miss dancing so much and not having any classes for people like me, but I am trying to find time to study to be a web designer while dealing with a job I don’t like doing till I can hand in my notice and get a 9-5 job as a web designer. Its just there isn’t much time in the day to do studying, working and putting the skills to some practice.

I know I told my partner that when I move in with him, I will be saying good bye to my dancing career, which I will probably regret but dancing doesn’t hold a stable income to put enough food on the table day after day. Especially, as a choreographer, its even harder to try to find space to choreograph and then find venues that will let you perform there.

I am torn between two sides, one side is where I get a stable career that will help bring food and a place to live or sit around wondering what to do but not really moving any where because your too scared of drowning. I am still confused and I keep getting confused too easily. Even my partner keeps bringing up things that really hit home and I just end up going quiet because I don’t know how to act or reply. Its either sit there and acknowledge that my partner thinks I should get stronger but experiencing the toughness of life. Which I don’t think I can do, I am someone that has a lot of habbits with worrying being one of them and I don’t know what really to do because I don’t want to offend him but how can I just drop being in an almost stable part of life when I move out of my parents and start earning my own money.

To dropping everything just so I can experience what life is like the way he has experienced life. I do love him but asking to just drop everything so I can learn to have a carefree life where money isn’t important as long as you have a loved on, is something I can’t comprehend in my mind. All I see is myself going crazy with worrying and ending up in a mental institution. I have always worried about many things in life. Its just something that do and if I don’t worry then things just won’t work out. If I can’t worry and bring things to my attention then how I am going to be on top of things and know what is going and what isn’t going on because I have a carefree attitude where I don’t know if I am coming or going.

I have my PSP back!

Well after not having a PSP for almost a month because I bricked it.. just by changing the skin. I finally hacked it again using Pandora magic stick and soft hacking the battery to get it work again. But at least it is back up and running and I get back to play Disgaea. Which I am only level 25 after playing 60 hours… I am a total noob what can I say.

Well at least now I have something to take me away from the computer for a while rather than sitting my desk chair all day.

Why is it?

Why is it that when people say “You can talk to me any time you want”. Yet when you want to talk them about something that is really getting you down, you can’t find them. Its either that or if they are around, you can’t feel like you can talk to them. For me, it is either because I don’t want to alter their mood or it is because I don’t know how to really word what I am really feeling. I can’t explain things well and I really do try to keep it simple but when I do that, it still won’t make any difference. I can pour my heart out only for someone to just say “its ok”. I mean come one, I’ve actually opened up to you and all you can say is “its ok”. Its obvious not ok if I am sat here, almost crying my eyes out and asking for help.

It would really be nice for once, for someone to not just say those two words, but to carry on with the bloody sentence. If someone is asking for help, then for goodness sake, give it to them and really be supportive.

I’ve tried countless times to go to someone for help. Which is rather rare for me. So for me to ask someone to listen to me, is a big thing yet when I do, all I seem to do is just talk about things. I hardly get advise or even good advise. I am just left there hanging on by a thread till it just breaks and I am left on the ground in pieces.

Forward planning – A Wedding in the making

Today has actually been a really cool, one that has cheered me up after almost two weeks of being down.But today felt like a new start. I know I might have been a pain to some people I know and they might have worried about me. But really what it really came down to, was me needing to really rely on my partner as well as doing something different to boost my confidence.

Look at today, I had my hair cut and after I had it cut, I was really pleased. It was something that can only be done once in a while and just being able to get it done meant a lot. Ok it was a bit expensive. But seeing as it really cheered me and was something that I needed, it was really worth it. It may not have been a big difference. However, to me, it was something that gave me a confidence boost.

In addition, I was also able to have a really good conversation about my future with my boyfriend. I know that to some it may not be much of a surprise, but after having a really good talk with him, we both decided to say that yes there is a wedding in the making. We have been together for 1 year and 5 months, so naturally, a proposal occurred and ikkle Sazzy here said yes! (without hesitation I might add). I suppose I can’t really call myself “ikkle” any more seeing as I am 22 and getting married. But it really cheered me up when now there is no longer any reason to keep it hidden, well maybe from parents as they haven’t met their soon to be son-in-law. But I don’t mind, I am engaged to someone who loves me so much that I now longer have any reason to hide it.

I am not really one to plan a wedding as I never thought I would be the one getting married. But now that I am, I don’t know where to start. I mean I was thinking having white and gold but that is as far as I have gotten. How does one start to plan a wedding anyway? come on, its something that to me will only happen once and I don’t even know where to begin. It is something that will mean the most to be. Being able to say I love my fiance so much that no matter what happens, I am going to stand by him and get through what ever troubles we have. Even recently, with us having some troubles in our relationship, we are still together and love each other so much. If we can over something like that then we will still be able to tackle any other obstacles life throws at us.

Today, we did talk about the schedule of our wedding, because we are from different countries, we have to accommodate a suitable line up as people have to travel. So we talked about having the wedding over the weekend. Plan it so that it can be done in what four days so people don’t have to miss much of work etc. At least it is a start right?

Well I am sure to keep you up dated with what is going on, but that is if I am able to contain the excitement!

Life’s Mysteries

Well seeing as I tend to spend most of my time on the computer, I thought it would be nice for a change to start properly blogging again. So hopefully I will remember to keep posting here every so often. As well as helping me with my grammar more, as I do have a tendency to not only misspell but to not use the correct grammar too.

Well after having a bit of a down time last night, with things still not being dealt with. But once I take of them one bit at a time, then it should all work out better than it has been now. Of course, I can’t deal with everything related to; my relationship, finding work, studying web design, dealing with family life, and trying to move out all in one go. I should really make a list of all the things I really need to deal with. Like a task list just so I can sort them out. Then by a goal date, I should have done it all on the list.

Now that would be a really smart move really. I should do that now.. here….

Sazzy’s Task List No 1

1. Talk with bf about plans for the future, including; worries about where to live, How to get all the money needed, Travel costs to get there, suitable job plans before leaving current address, and queries about visa’s etc.
2. Decide on dates to move out. When would be it appropriate to move in with my best mate, and how to get my stuff into the new apartment.
3. Studying time troubles; Arrange a schedule to sort out times to study and times to have breaks. This course needs to be done soon/quickly in order to get a well paid 9-5 job.
4. Family Issues at home; Really need to sort out of its good to talk about all the problems considering my family or just to let them rest for a while.
5. Find work; well I know I can’t really think this through till I finish the course, but getting some extra money in the mean time will help smooth moving out easier.

Well I will get back to the list soon

Think you understand me?

I always wondered why I say I understand things when I really I don’t. I mean its like I view myself saying something from a third person perspective. Most of the time I even wonder what I am doing as most things just don’t make sense. Of course I can say one thing when really its not what I am really thinking or feeling. Like say one thing but really you mean another. I think its called sub context or a riddle.

Like when I say I am a bit better could be a lie and really I am still crying after an hour of talking because the talking might not be enough. Or saying saying nothing is bothering when really something is eating away at me from the inside and I don’t know what to do about it. I am someone who wants others to be happy so to do that I cover up how I really feel so they won’t suspect anything and effect how they are feeling. Now for some, they might see its just a charade and try to get me to open up but really I know there is more to it but I never want to talk about things. Yes to say “Sazzy you should bottle it all up” or “Sazzy you should really talk about it” because really that will mostly go in one ear and out the other. I’ve heard that phrase so many times then I just don’t listen to it. I have my own way of dealing with my problems and so far, for the past 22 years its done well so far. Of course people still ask, why are you so negative. But there is a good reason and the list time I told someone about that reason they used it against me and treated me like shit that made me cry every day for 9 months.

Yeah I am stupid and not really one to talk about dealing with things but I won’t ever change what I do because last time I changed something small about me, that shit happened. So I refuse to let history repeat itself. Ok I’ve opened up to Eddie a bit more but even now I don’t know how long I can last before I start cracking from the pressure of others trying to get me to talk too. I break under pressure so much but I just hide it by appearing like a zombie and wonder around in a daze. I can’t even think what it is like to sort things out head on because I am too much of a coward to face up to things. As Ed put it…

[quote][00:59] solking429: I jsut wish you would open up instead of push me away
[01:00] solking429: say something then think the worst and run away[/quote]

Why would some one say that and not just walk away from the problematic person? Why stand by someone who causes so much pain? Surly the bad out weighs the good so why stay? I am only a defenseless old cow, who doesn’t value her own life above others. Who tries not to appear selfish but fails.

I for instance. Just saying I would commit suicide then live a lonely life had Eddie and Fireandice try to talk me out of it. If I really do cause a lot of trouble then why still want me to live if I feel I can’t live alone? Yes I will go to hell for committing suicide but aren’t I already going there? I felt alone so many times so to lose the one love of my life just won’t make life worth living in my eyes.

Yes I am a negative person so don’t try and change me or you will end up loosing me as a friend.